I’ve just finished working front-of-house at Crufts in Birmingham, and, after four exhausting days of meeting, greeting and question-answering, I’m relieved it’s over.
Aside from a few rude dog breeders, it was a relatively enjoyable way of earning some extra money and having done it before I knew what to expect. The dogs were all gorgeous, and the people who attended were, on the whole, genuinely lovely. I finished yesterday evening with a keen sense of satisfaction and achievement: I’d done it, and I was going to get paid.
And that’s the bottom line in any job, isn’t it? Getting paid. I wouldn’t have done it for free, and I wouldn’t have done it for half the money. So when you get paid for something you love, something that you do anyway for free, then it’s a feeling like no other.
And I just got paid for a piece that’s been published in issue 73 of Mslexia.
I still can’t quite believe it.
I’ve been a huge fan of Mslexia since I first starting subscribing, and it’s always been a goal of mine to get published in their magazine. And now I have. *pinches self*
Only I can’t read it.
Seriously, I can’t do it.
I have the contributor’s copy, and I have my subscriber’s copy, but I can’t read either of them. The thought of reading my own work, work that has now been read by, presumably, thousands of people makes me feel a little sick.
I think I’m worried that I’ll spot a mistake, something jarring or wrong. I’m worried I’ll be disappointed. It’s the same reason that I haven’t written a novel yet — fear.
But I think recognising it is the first step, and I hope that the more I write, the more (hopefully) that gets published, the easier being proud of my own work will become. So I’m celebrating the fact that I’m published, and I’m proud to be in a magazine that not only champions and empowers female writers but publishes some very talented writers, but it will be a while until I can face reading my own work on the printed page.
Susan James 